'The Director's Cut'

Due to space restraints, not all the original manuscript material made it into the book. Here’s the best of the rest, the stuff that can’t be found between the covers:


Intro.: Played for Laughs


Quips & Quotations & Characters


Over the Air


The Diamond on the Silver Screen


Nicknames


The Greatest Baseball Pranks Ever Pulled

25. Trot Nixon and the Standing Ovation Incident
24. Sparky Lyle and the Marching Band Incident
23. Theo Epstein and the Gorilla Suit Incident
22. Mel Stottlemyre and the Credit Card Incident
21. Derek Bell and the Car Giveaway Incident

Appendix: The Manny Moments



Intro.: Played for Laughs

That old saying is exactly right: it is a funny game.

Surely no other sport can compare to baseball in its vast catalogue of silly quips and quotations, unforgettable characters, memorable nicknames, and inventive pranks. Maybe it’s because football’s too violent, basketball’s too frantic, and other pursuits too obscure, but the National Pastime’s always seemed to dominate when it comes to athletics’ version of funny business.

No one knows why that’s the case, exactly.

It might be based in the game’s long, long, long schedule, one that issues a special call to the kind of humor that adds some fizz to the wins, subtracts stress from the losses, and otherwise fills up the hours. The game’s unique combination of nail-biting tension and easy pacing probably attracts more than its fair share of tough-but-loose characters, too, the type who constantly search for both a competitive edge on the field and, then, more than a little tension-breaking laughter off the field. It may be natural for the ‘thinking man’s game’ to attract more than its share of quick-witted commentators. Finally, obviously, all Major Leaguers are given vast fame and fortune in order to pursue a personal passion, and the privilege in living a dream is enough to lend some jollity to just about any day.

Maybe it’s all the above.

While the multiple reasons behind it may be a bit unclear, baseball’s spirit of play is obvious enough- for those privileged enough to know it, the game of baseball can be a constant source of comedic joy. The following pages are intended to capture those laughing matters between two covers, and here’s hoping we have some fun with it.

-P.H.
Norwalk, CT
October 2009



Quips & Quotations & Characters

DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENTS

I’ve never had a club record, except for car wrecks.
-Darren Daulton

Avoiding 100 losses in a season is sort of like backing your car out of the garage without knocking off a side mirror; it's definitely worth doing, but it isn't something you want to spend a lot of time bragging about.
-Joe Posnanski

Bobby Thomson got us into the World Series and I got us out.
-Sal Yvars, on making the last out for the Giants in the ’51 World Series


AGING

A team that discovered what happened when an entire roster reached retirement age at once.
-Steven Goldman, on the ‘35 Braves

I felt pretty good when I woke up this morning, but I got over it.
-Smokey Burgess, age 40


ALIBIS

He runs so fast, his feet can’t catch up with the rest of him.
-Paul Owens, on Lonnie Smith’s latest error

How can anyone win with no runs?
-Bobo Newsom, on losing a 15-0 game


ATTENDANCE WOES

We're counting walk-out sales.
-Anonymous Reds staffer

On April 17, an Oakland-Seattle game drew 653 people. Name them.
-local columnist’s ‘trivia question’, on the Athletics


BALLPARKS

I wish it had retractable fences.
-Mike Flanagan, on the Skydome’s retractable roof

Petco also has Picnic Hill, a place for ticket holders to enjoy both a picnic and, should they desire it, a 'limited view' of the Padres game. Tampa's Tropicana Field has a similar location, where fans can, for an additional fee, have no view of the Devil Rays at all.
-Steve Rushin


BALLPLAYER/BROADCASTERS

From Lou Boudreau I learned how easy it is to mispronounce names.
-Jim Langford

The true inspiration for the mute button.
-Stewart O’Nan, on Tim McCarver


BASEBALL PHILOSOPHERS

I love baseball because I’m an optimistic kind of guy. No matter what happens today, there’s always a game tomorrow. That’s kind of a neat thing. It’s so different. In business, you come back the next day and the problems that you had yesterday, you’ve still got today. But in baseball, every day is a new start.
-Jay Hook


BASEBALL WISDOM

Payback is a pitch . . . that lands in the bullpen.
-Michael Kay

The paths of glory lead but to the Braves.
-Casey Stengel


THE BASEMENT

It seems every time this club tries to turn the corner, it scrapes a wall and loses a fender.
-Ken Levine, on the ’91 Orioles

The team picture of the 1973 Yankees could very well serve as a poster for birth control.
-George Steinbrenner

They lost simply because the players were like day-old, marked-down doughnuts. They came cheap, and even then they weren’t worth the money.
-Dick Williams, on the ‘74 Angels


BATTING TIPS

Timing takes time.
-Joe Girardi


BEANBALLS

Baseball ain’t no f---in’ tea party.
-Jim Turner


ALBERT BELLE

He’s been very talkative, usually under oath.
-Sandy Alderson


BENCH WARMERS

Would I like to be in there every day? Yeah, of course. Everybody would. But that’s why it’s called a team and not the New York Mientkiewicz’s.
-Doug Mientkiewicz

I made more money sitting with the Giants than I ever made standing with anybody else.
-Casey Stengel, on his bench-warmer days on pennant winners


BARRY BONDS

[Barry'> Bonds isn’t beloved by his teammates. He’s not even beliked.
-Rick Reilly


BOOOOOOO

Booooooooo-ne.
-traditional fan salute to Aaron Boone


BRAWLS

Well, I show up and try and be the guy setting up the pins at a bowling alley. Rob [Deer'> knocks them down, then I come in and help everyone be friends again.
-Robin Yount, on Brewer brawls


THE BRIGHT SIDE

Has he ever been here the first day? You have to say Rickey’s consistent. That’s what you want in a ballplayer- consistency.
-Don Mattingly, on Rickey Henderson’s late arrivals to Spring Training


BROADCASTING

Some claim that the final year of Memorial Stadium is bringing ‘em out in droves, or perhaps Cal Ripken’s MVP year, but I like to think it’s the radio broadcasts. Fans will do anything to avoid listening to our games.
-Ken Levine

[Producer Mike'> Weisman thought I would be a nice counterpoint in the people who knew what they were doing.
-Ron Luciano, on his on-air hiring


THE BRONX ZOO

I’m just happy to be here.
-Thurman Munson’s stock quote on the chaotic Yankee clubhouse


BROOKLYN

Every manager wants to jump off a bridge sooner or later, and it’s very nice to know I don’t have to walk 50 miles to find one.
-Casey Stengel


BROTHERS

“He will be baseball's next great ace,” [agent Scott'> Boras told USA Today. "Barry [Zito'> could be one of the best left-handed pitchers of all time. Players like this are Maddux-esque.” Hmm. Maybe he meant Mike Maddux.
-David Schoenfeld


CHATTER

He led the league in walks most years and in talking every year.
-Dick Bartell, on Bobo Newsom


CHEATIN’

If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.
-traditional baseball adage


THE CHURCH OF BASEBALL

Almighty God, you who are called the Great Umpire, in this game of life we are unsure of what uniforms we should wear . . . when it comes to faith we find ourselves in the Minor Leagues. When it comes to good works we strike out. When it comes to knowledge of Your word, we are not even aware of the ground rules.
-Rev. Dr. John C. McCollister’s call to worship


HELLO CLEVELAND!

Flying into Cleveland last night, I though about life in this great American city and decided that if you were going to crash on a Cleveland flight, it would be better if it was an inbound flight.
-Jim Bouton

The only good thing about playing in Cleveland is that you don’t have to make road trips there.
-Richie Scheinblum


CLEVELAND & GEOGRAPHY

I have nothing against Cleveland, but I’d rather have been traded somewhere in the
United States.
-Leon Wagner


CLOTHES

He looked like an unmade bed. King-sized.
-Johnny Roseboro, on 6’7” Frank Howard’s off-field appearance


CLOTHES- TED WILLIAMS DIVISION

Ties get in your soup.
-Ted Williams, on why he refused to wear neckties

I've found that you don't need to wear a tie if you can hit.
-Williams


COACHING ADVICE

He’s learning me his experiences.
-Yogi Berra, on coach Bill Dickey


COMEBACKS

Thomas Jefferson once suggested that when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Baseball does.
-Doug Padilla


COMMISSIONERS

An empty cab pulled up to the curb and out stepped Ford Frick.
-a common joke about the ‘50’s / ‘60’s-era Commissioner


CONDITIONING CONDITIONS

I got a jackass back in Oklahoma, and you can work him from sunup ‘til sundown, and he ain’t never gonna win the Kentucky Derby.
-Pepper Martin, on his lack of exercise

Is it over yet?
-Graig Nettles, on his inside-the-park home run

I don't know if martial arts training will help [Kevin'> Millwood's pitching, but if it doesn't- and he sports another 5+ ERA this season- those dugout water coolers are in for a world of hurt.
-Craig Calcaterra


CONFIDENCE

It was 98 coming in, 102 going out.
-Dustin Pedroia, on his single off Mike Pelfrey’s fastball

Babe Ruth.
-Tony Lazzeri, on Babe Ruth’s idol


CONFUSION

I hope you realize those aren’t extra infielders out there.
-Graig Nettles, on baserunners


CUB BANNERS

FLOWER POWER AND CUB POWER.
-1967

ANY TEAM CAN HAVE A BAD CENTURY.

CUBS MAGIC NUMBER: 911

EAMUS CATULI!
-(Latin: Go Cubs!)


CUB CARE

Even the star-crossed Cubbies could win it all, though I wouldn't bet too heavily on them unless you are absolutely sure of Steve Bartman's whereabouts.
-Jon Heyman


UNKIND CUTS

I ain’t here and I ain’t gonna be here for a while, I guess.
-Charlie Kerfeld’s post-demotion answering machine message


DATING

Andrea Kremer: How can one man have so much chaos in his life?
Gary Sheffield: Bad choice of women.
Kremer: That's way weak. All the turmoil in your life is because of women?
Sheffield: Yeah.
Kremer: Do you take any responsibility for it?
Sheffield: Well, I picked 'em.

If you believe The Boys of Summer, you believe that in one week in 1952 I slept with five women of different nationalities. That’s wrong. Took me at least two weeks.
-Dick Williams

Son, in this life, you don’t ever walk by a red dress.
–Buck O’Neil


BAD DAYS

You know you're having a bad day when the fifth inning rolls around and they drag the warning track.
-Mike Flanagan

I don’t know which was worse- watching this game or playing in it.
-Terry Kennedy, on the Orioles’ 12-1 loss


DENVER

Lower Denver.
-Randy Newman, on how to reduce Coors Field homers

The [‘07'> Rockies' September stretch ranks up there with the 1986 Mets beating the Red Sox in Game 6, Dave Dravecky returning from cancer, and the plot of ‘Mr. 3000’. Can the momentum be sustained? Well, the '87 Mets missed the playoffs, Dave Dravecky lost his arm, and Bernie Mac is playing ‘Johnny Lunchbox’ in a movie called ‘Old Dogs’. So enjoy the glory while it lasts, Rockies fans.
-Justin Peters


DIMINUTIVES- PHIL RIZZUTO DIVISION

He’s either a short ballplayer or a tall midget.
-Bill Veeck, on (5’6”) Phil Rizzuto

Fan: Stand up a minute, Phil.
Rizzuto: I am standing up!


THE DISABLED LIST

You can't make the club in the tub.
-traditional baseball adage, on physical rehabilitation

Our problem right now is we have too many pitchers on the 15-day Pavano.
-Mike Mussina, on the DL and the Yanks’ oft-injured Carl Pavano


DRINKING MEN

To say that Horace [Stoneham'> can drink is like saying Sinatra can sing.
-Leo Durocher

Don’t drink the water.
-John J. McGraw’s advice to his players

Casey Stengel: Drinking again?
Mickey McDermott: Me, too, Case.

After the third game I was drinking to everybody’s health so much that I about ruined
mine.
-Dusty Rhodes, on the 1954 World Series

On this club, if you go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning, you’re considered strange.
-Sal Bando, on the early ‘70’s Athletics

According to Forbes the Yankees are worth $849 million. That figure jumps to more than $850 million once David Wells returns his empties.
-Bill Scheft


DON DRYSDALE

Why waste four pitches when one will do?
-Drysdale


LEO ‘THE LIP’ DUROCHER

I don’t want to achieve immortality by making the Hall of Fame. I want to achieve immortality by not dying.
-Durocher, who died in 1991 (and posthumously inducted in 1994)


EDUCATION

I didn’t know the meaning of the word intimidation. Of course, I didn’t know the meaning of a lot of other words, either.
-Ken Kaiser


EDUCATION- PETE ROSE DIVISION

I wish there was some way I could have gotten a college education. I’m thinking of buying a college, though.
-Pete Rose

You have to give Pete credit. He never went to college and the only book he ever read was ‘The Pete Rose Story’.
-Karolyn Rose, ex-wife


EGO

I have nothing but talent. Why, I amaze myself.
-Hawk Harrelson

The magnitude of me.
-Reggie Jackson’s foremost thought on Game Six of the 1977 World Series


ENDORSEMENTS

Fan: Is [Yoo-Hoo'> hyphenated?
Yogi Berra: Lady, it ain’t even carbonated.


EXECUTIVE DECISIONS

We treat all of our players fairly but some players we treat more fairly than others.
-Phillies GM Ruben Amaro


NOT-SO-FASTBALLS

Every time he wins a game, people come down out of the stands asking for contracts.
-Casey Stengel, on soft-tossing Eddie Lopat

I throw steak. He throws salad.
-Dennis Eckersley, on his difference with Bill Lee


FATHERHOOD

My dad saw me pitch one game and I threw a ball to the backstop. That’s when he decided to have another son.
-Mike Guthrie, older brother of the Twins’ Mark Guthrie

They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the father of five or six kids.
-Tito Fuentes


FENWAY

Giving Fenway Park to Jim Rice is like arming Superman with a set of brass knuckles.
-Bill James

I was always afraid that it would fall down and kill Rico Petrocelli at short.
-Bill Lee, on Fenway’s Green Monster


FIGHTS

Two players got released late in the season because they got in a fight on the team bus. The fight started when one reliever relieved himself on another reliever.
-Steve Campbell

Who held them down?
-Rick Monday, after George Steinbrenner supposedly punched out two Dodger fans


FIGHTERS

I like a good scrapping team . . . We led the league in wins, fights and police escorts.
-Tommy Lasorda, on his Minor League club


FIRED

There are still two or three teams he hasn’t managed yet, so I’m sure he’ll be back soon.
-Ken Levine, on John McNamara’s sixth firing


FIRING- CHARLIE O. FINLEY DIVISION

[Charlie O.'> Finley should have fired Finley.
-Anonymous player, after the A’s owner fired his tenth manager in ten years

The best manager I’ve ever had, and I ought to know- I’ve fired enough of them.
-Charlie O. Finley, on Dick Williams


FOOTBALL

[Bob'> Brenley presumably was worried that New York would go to the shotgun and hurry-up offense.
-Tom Verducci, on Brenley’s refusal to pull Randy Johnson during a 12-0 game


FRIENDSHIP

My buddy and former Tiger teammate, Mickey Stanley, because he's never been to my house.
-Mark Fidrych, on who he’d invite to dinner if he could invite anyone in the world


FUTILITY

Teams consisting of entire rosters of utility men.
-Brendan C. Boyd & Fred C. Harris, on the 1950’s-era Senators

WE MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RONG.
-fan banner seen in Yankee Stadium, late 1960’s


GAMERS

I'm failing miserably at retirement.
-Roger Clemens, on his latest comeback

It sucks losing, but it's still fun playing. I'd rather play and lose than not play.
-Greg Maddux


GIRLS

Reporter: What are your plans for the off-season?
Lou Gehrig: I plan to play a lot of basketball.
Babe Ruth: I ain’t doing a thing except you-know-what.

I’ve done some writing, too. I wrote 50 pages about baseball once and a publisher in New York called and said “I really like this. Can you throw in some screwing?”
-Norm Miller


GRINDERS

[Aaron Rowand'> nearly got himself killed when he rode his dirt bike off a cliff in the desert. Now he just runs into outfield walls.
-Richard Roeper


HAIR

He’s got that ‘80’s ‘do and he’s just waiting for it to come back.
-David Cone, on Paul O’Neill


FROM THE ‘COLE HAMELS FACTS’ WEB SITE

Cole Hamels once pegged a batter so hard that the batter's twin brother died . . . Cole Hamels gets into a bar room brawl every time he gives up a run. He has only been in one bar room brawl . . . Cole was Bugs Bunny's private pitching coach . . . I won my fantasy league with one player: Cole Hamels . . . Cole Hamels once struck a man out looking- literally. Cole just gazed at him and the batter was retired on strikes . . . Cole Hamels makes Randy Johnson look like Lyndon Johnson . . . Cole Hamels has already struck out 13 Braves using his changeup and he doesn't face them until July . . .


HARD-CORE HECKLERS

I could never play in New York. The first time I ever came into a game there, I got in the bullpen car and they told me to lock the doors
-Mike Flanagan

Fans are mad at us because we make so much money, then they throw money at us- quarters, nickels. Why? Throw me a tax audit. Throw me your electric bill.
-Andy Van Slyke


THE HEAD GAME

I can be the way that I want, I can be the way I am, I can only be me.
-Oil Can Boyd

My wife actually believes that it’s possible, through concentration, to transfer strength from one person to another. She believes that during the game she transferred her strength to me and I pitched well. She is, of course, a nut.
-Jim Bouton


NOT-SO-HUMBLE

I just won the Nobel prize of baseball.
-Elston Howard, on his 1963 MVP


HUMILITY- PLAYERS

I had nothing to lose, everything to gain. I gained a lot of losses.
-Mike Morgan, on debuting in the Majors at age 18

You know why I’m playing tonight? Two reasons. One is that a right-hander is pitching. Two is that he’s very weak.
-Curt Blefary

The Boston writers said “It looks like you have a different motion now.” The only reason they say that is because I got someone out.
-Gary Waslewski


INJURIES

He’s had everything but the galloping dandruff.
-Dick Williams, on Gary Waslewski

The problem is, uh, behind me.
-George Brett, on his hemorrhoid problem during the ‘80 World Series


THE INTERNATIONAL PASTIME

Ah, how could he lose a ball in the sun?! He’s from Mexico!
-Harry Caray, on Jorge Orta


JUVENILE DELINQUENTS

I took a little English, a little math, some science, a few hubcaps, and some wheel covers.
-Gates Brown, on his childhood

I always could run pretty fast. I got a lot of practice running from the police.
-Ron LeFlore


KNUCKLEBALLS

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them works.
-Charley Lau

It’s hard to catch.
-catcher Babe Phelps, on why he didn’t call for knuckleballs


KNUCKLEHEADS

Why is it always us that has to go to the playoffs?
-Jose Canseco, on the Athletics’ habit of working into October

All the Yankees care about is winning.
-Ruben Sierra (he didn’t mean it as a compliment)

I’d prefer an owner with a wooden leg to a left fielder with a wooden head.
-Mike Royko, on following Bill Veeck’s White Sox rather than Dave Kingman’s Cubs


SANDY KOUFAX

When he wrote his name in capital letters in the record books, that ‘K’ stands out even more than the ‘O-U-F-A-X’.
-Vin Scully

This may appear to put the Dodgers in terrible trouble. But it’s actually worse than that.
-Charles Maher, on Koufax’s retirement

He wasn’t at his peak; he was above it.
-Thomas Boswell, on Sandy Koufax’s prime

We need just two players to be a contender- Babe Ruth and Sandy Koufax.
-Whitey Herzog, on the ‘73 Rangers


LABOR RELATIONS

Players don't deserve all that money they're getting, but the owners don't deserve it even more.
-Jim Bouton

For a hundred years the owners screwed the players. For 25 years the players have screwed the owners. They've got 75 years to go.
-Bouton


TOMMY LASORDA

Tommy has a one-track mind and the traffic is very light.
-Steve Garvey

The most fun guy in the world to hate.
-Giant broadcaster Mike Krukow, on Tommy Lasorda


LIFE ADVICE

If you're happy as a loser you'll always be a loser.
-Mark Fidrych


LIFE LESSONS

I don’t care how long you’ve been around, you’ll never see it all.
-Bob Lemon


LINEUPS

If it helps him and makes him happy, maybe he’ll hit better and we’ll win some games and make me happy.
-Billy Martin, on hitting Reggie Jackson in the cleanup spot


LONG BALLS

I never saw a f---in’ ball get out of a f---in’ ballpark so f---in’ fast in all my f---in’ life.
-Leo Durocher, on Willie Mays’ first career homer

That fella is a tree hitter- everything he hits is in the trees.
-Casey Stengel, on Leon Wagner

Forget Eutaw Street; that one landed in Utah state.
-Ken Singleton


LOOKS

The man could have been John Goodman’s double. Only he was married to Ingrid Bergman instead of Roseanne Barr.
-Mike Shropshire, on Ranger owner Bob Short


LOVE OF THE GAME- THE FANS

Baseball is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole.
-George Will


LOVE OF THE GAME- THE PLAYERS

I stare out the window and wait for spring.
-Rogers Hornsby, on his off-season activities

Baseball reflects the American dream in many ways. Players are very well paid, and they get to stand around in a park most of the time. Once in a while, a ball comes their way, but the rest of the game can be spent checking the crowd for hot girls. When their team comes up to bat, hitters are considered incredibly skilled if they can do their job 35% of the time. In almost all other American professions, workers are expected to get that number up to at least 45%.
-Stephen Colbert

I would rather be the Yankees’ catcher than the president, and that makes me pretty lucky, I guess, because I could never be the president.
-Yogi Berra


LOVE OF THE GAME- SEX

A day at the ballpark is sort of like sex- when it’s going good, it’s great, and when it’s not going good, you know, it’s still pretty darn great.
-Diego Musilli


LUCK

Luck? I think I had something to do with it.
-Earl Combs

I’ve seen guys pitch bad and I’ve seen guys pitch in bad luck, but you’ve done an astonishing job of putting it all together.
-Sparky Lyle, to Jim Kern


MANAGERS

Most often, [Chuck'> Dressen’s mistake came down to confidence. He had way, way too much of it.
-Peter Handrinos

Tough love minus the love.
-Steven Goldman, on Rogers Hornsby’s managing style

Had a doghouse about the size of a warehouse.
-Diego Musilli, on Larry Bowa

All hyperbole aside, Lou Piniella is the most terrifying man in history ever.
-Luke Burbank


MANAGING

The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided
-Casey Stengel


THE MICK

I was taught Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and Mickey.
-Skip Bayless, on the Mickey Mantle of his childhood


MARRIAGE

I’ll be married 40 years in July and that’s the only anniversary I think about.
-Herb Score in 1997, on the four decades since his career-crippling injury


BILLY MARTIN

A mouse studying to be a rat.
-John Schulian, on Martin

He taught me how to carry myself, on and off the field. Well, maybe not off the field.
-Willie Randolph


BILLY-BRAWLS

Joe Louis, Muhammad Ali, and Billy Martin all fought here.
-Jim Caple, on Yankee Stadium


MEDIA RELATIONS

He was always a prankster. Every time Roger Clemens would strike out someone, [John'> Marzano would go sit right beside that player and say he wanted to get some TV time, too.
-Ellis Burks

I don't talk to women when I'm naked, unless they're on top of me or I'm on top of them.
-Jack Morris, to his refusal to do clubhouse interviews with female reporters


MEDIA RELATIONS- REGGIE JACKSON DIVISION

He was misquoted?! For three f---in’ pages?!
-Thurman Munson, on Jackson’s latest media controversy

You guys heard that? If I knew you were listening, I wouldn’t have said it.
-Reggie Jackson

If bullshit was religion, he’d be the Pope.
-Anonymous reporter, on Reggie Jackson


THE ’62 METS

The only thing worse than a Mets game is a Mets double header.
-Casey Stengel

We can lose ‘em at any altitude.
-Stengel, on playing an exhibition game in Mexico City

We’re going to cut those losses down. At least to 119.
-owner Joan Payson Whitney, after the Mets’ 120-loss season


METS VS. YANKS

As a New Yorker I am ecstatic. As a baseball person, I am immensely pleased. As a Yankee, I consider suicide the easy option.
-executive Michael Burke of the (5th-place) Yankees, on the 1969 championship Mets


THE MINORS

You better straighten out or I’ll knock you down so far it’ll take ten dollars to send you a postcard.
-Paul Richards’ advice to a struggling rookie


THE MONEY

It's illogical to argue that money is a disincentive to playing hard in baseball. If you doubled the prize money for a car race, would the drivers slow down and start coasting?
-Bill James

He pitches maybe an inning a week and for that they pay him a million dollars a year. You know what? He’s worth it.
-Rudy May, on Goose Gossage


MONEY PROBLEMS

It used to be people would ask for $10. Now they ask for $40,000.
-Torii Hunter, on how life changes after his promotion to the Majors

I never knew I had so many relatives.
-Don Baylor


MONTREAL

Most people up here speak French. However, they’re nice people.
-Byrum Saam

It’s like a foreign city.
-Mike Langston, on Montreal


THE NAME GAME- PLAYERS

Royce Clayton’s name was fluid and elegant. It just sounded like a strong, graceful, gallant star shortstop’s name. It was the sort of name you expect to find on a daytime soap opera: Dr. Royce Clayton, dashing chief of surgery at City Hospital. Or a tuxedoed 1930s movie star, romancing Norma Shearer in shimmering black-and-white. Or perhaps at the State Department: ‘Ambassador Royce Clayton today announced a breakthrough in the difficult negotiations’. It’s the name of a winner. It doesn’t sound at all like the name of a dime-a-dozen journeyman.
-Steve Treder

He really was the player to be named later.
-Rocky Bridges, on shortstop Jose Gonzales’ mid-career change to ' Jose Uribe'

Alan Sutton Sothoron pitched his initials off today.
-Anonymous 1920’s-era St. Louis writer

Rivers’ full name was John Milton Rivers. He may well be the only person named for John Milton who has never heard of John Milton.
-Roger Kahn

It looks like Seattle didn't want to plunge too deeply into the Baseball Almanac.
-Joe Posnanski, on the Mariners' trading for four players whose last names begin with 'C'


THE NAME GAME- TEAMS

YANKEES SLEEP WITH THE FISH
-New York Post headline, following the Yanks’ loss to the Marlins in the ’03 World
Series

WE LOVE BJ's!
-fan sign seen in Toronto


NOSTALGIA

I was at the dinner last night with the Hall of Famers from the past and all those great players sat around all night telling baseball stories. Man, it was great! I can’t wait to come back next year so I can tell some lies.
-Waite Hoyt


NUMBERS

With Pee Wee [Reese'>, it was #1 on his uniform and #1 in our hearts.
-Joe Black

With all the talk devoted to his huge contract, it came as sort of a shock that the Rangers didn't assign Alex Rodriguez #252,000,000.
-Diego Musilli


ONE-OF-A-KIND

Dick [Wakefield'> was so calm and serene that when he was standing up he looked like he was lying down.
-Mickey McDermott

He doesn't think; therefore he is.
-Bill Lee, on Mickey Rivers

Sometimes I get lazy and let the dishes stack up, but they don't stack too high. I've only got four dishes.
-Mark Fidrych


OWNERS

‘Harry Frazee’. Rhymes with ‘crazy’.
-Diego Musilli

Fox Corporation and the Dodgers . . . it was never meant to be. The company makes its money peddling Hollywood sleaze, stupidity, and sensationalism, and, in the case of Geraldo Rivera, sleazestupiditysensationalism. Doesn’t necessarily match up with peanuts, cracker jacks, and day games with dad, does it?
-Diego Musilli

So much biological luck, so much managerial incompetence. Yes, there is a downside to family togetherness.
-Diego Musilli, on second-generation owners Hank Steinbrenner and Jeff Wilpon

Every kid under 15 wants to be Nomar [Garciaparra'> and every kid over 40 wants to be me.
-John Harrington, on running the Red Sox

Disney doesn't pay. That's why the mouse has only three fingers- so he can't pick up a check.
-Robin Williams, on the Angels’ corporate owners


OWNERS- GEORGE ARGYROS DIVISION

Patience is for losers.
-George Argyros’ personal slogan, as printed on in the Kingdome signs

We’re operating now under seagull management. You know, George flies in, he eats a little bit, then he s---s all over everybody and flies out.
-Chuck Armstrong


SATCHEL PAIGE

He threw the ball as far from the bat and as close to the plate as possible.
-Casey Stengel


PATRIOTIC DECLARATIONS

Sure. I'm proud to be an American.
-Steve Foster, when a Canadian customs agent asked if he had ‘anything to declare’


THE PERFECT GAME

FATS INCREDIBLE!
-(New York) Post headline, on David Wells’ perfect game in 1998


THE PIRATES

We achieved last place on merit.
-Branch Rickey, on the ‘52 Pirates

Some day there will be a reunion of players who were inexplicably traded by or to the Pirates. They'll all meet in banquet room somewhere and talk about the time their careers intersected with Pittsburgh, not unlike the way alien abductees talk about their experiences. Confusion will rule the day, but there will be serious efforts made by those in attendance to make sense of it all. Guys like Matt Morris and Raul Mondesi will wonder how they every got to Pittsburgh and guys like Xavier Nady, Jason Schmidt, and Aramis Ramirez will wonder why they were shipped out.
-Craig Calcaterra


GOOD PITCHES

It looks like you can hit him, then it’s like ‘here it is/no it ain’t’.
-Bobby Bonds, on Fernando Valenzuela’s screwball


PLAYER/MANAGERS

I couldn’t play when I played.
-Sparky Anderson

‘Both were southpaw pitchers’. Which was a little like saying Abraham Lincoln and James Polk were both presidents.
-Jane Leavy, on Sandy Koufax and Tommy Lasorda


PLAYOFF RUNS

I’m beginning to thing we might have a shot at the divisional title. Of course, we’d need a little help. Maybe a small air crash involving the Minnesota and Oakland clubs. Nothing serious. Just a few broken arms and legs.
-Jim Bouton


PRESIDENTIAL PRESENCE

I watch a lot of baseball on radio.
-Gerald Ford

When you regard [guest columnist Richard Nixon'> as a sportswriter, you can’t help feeling that he really ought to go back to being President of the United States. And that’s a difficult line to write.
-Red Smith

Why is it that whenever any politician gives a good speech, the announcers say 'hey “hit it out of the park'?” You know how hard it is to actually hit a ball out of a park? It’s REALLY hard. It suggests a titanic bomb out of Yankee Stadium and, it should be noted that no Major Leaguer ever hit it out of that park. None. I say no American politician has 'hit it out of the park', since, I don’t know, maybe Abe Lincoln in Gettysburg.
-Joe Posnanski


PUT-DOWNS

Top Ten Ways a Duffel Bag is Better Than Angel Berroa at Shortstop
10. Cheaper
9. Comes in many fabulous colors to compliment the Royals uniform of the day.
8. Doesn't take from the post-game spread.
7. More utility.
6. More range.
5. Fits comfortably underneath the bench.
4. Helps keep airfare expenses down.
3. Waterproof (depending on model).
2. Can take a pitch.
1. No throwing errors.
-blogger ‘Cris E.’


PUT-DOWNS- FIELDING DIVISION

He’s improving. He hasn’t caught a ball yet, but he’s getting closer to them.
-Gordon Cobbledick, on Dave Nicholson


PUT-DOWNS- HALL OF FAME DIVISION

Ruben Sierra recently proclaimed that he, too, was headed to the Hall of Fame. Here are some tips, Rube: try to take side streets rather than the Route 88 (the traffic can be a bear!), call ahead for special weather advisories, and try to avoid national holidays during your visit, because the place can get really packed when school's out. Since you’ll have to pay your way in, check out their web site for group discounts options, too.
-Diego Musilli


PUT-DOWNS- HITTING DIVISION

They say Willy [Miranda'> hit left, right, and seldom.
-Ernie Harwell


PUT-DOWNS- PITCHING DIVISION

I used to send a taxicab to the Almanac Hotel on the day he was gonna pitch- I didn't want him to get lost on the way to the stadium.
-Babe Ruth, on George Earnshaw


PUT-DOWNS- RUNNING DIVISION

I used to shave before games, and once [Ken'> Reitz was up at the plate, and he hit the ball, and by the time he got to first base I had to shave again.
-Whitey Herzog

Omar Moreno wasn’t a bad baserunner- he was an atrocious baserunner. He waged a career-long, unsuccessful campaign to improve enough to the point he’d get all the way up to below-average.
-Diego Musilli


MANNY RAMIREZ

He always took August off but in France, they give you a month vacation and two hours for lunch.
-Bill Lee


THE RED SOX

The Red Sox truly are the boys of summer; it’s always been the fall that’s given them trouble.
-Dan Shaughnessy


RELIGION

A notorious ‘Christian-first’ policy reportedly bans Playboy magazines from the Rockies’ clubhouse, making it the only place in the United States in which 25 men work together without pictures of naked women on the walls.
-Will Leitch


BRANCH RICKEY ON NEGOTIATION

We could have finished last without him.
-Branch Rickey, on why his Pirates weren’t offering Ralph Kiner a raise

Give me what I want and I’ll take care of myself.
-Marty Marion, after hearing a lowball offer and the promise ‘accept this and I’ll take care of you’


RIVALRIES

HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE, KEEP THE METS IN SECOND PLACE. GO CUBS.
-fan banner seen in Wrigley Field


RIVALRIES- RED SOX VS. YANKEES DIVISION

Pope dead, Sox alive, details at 11.
-Charles Laquidara‘s news bulletin, September 28, 1978


PHIL RIZZUTO

Rizzuto and I lived near each other in New Jersey and I’d drive him to the Stadium. Years later, I told him if I knew he was gonna be such a big star I’d have bought a limo.
-Marius Russo

PHIL RIZZUTO’S OFFICE
Open 7-7:30 Weekdays
1-1:30 Weekends
Autographs by Appointment Only
VISA / MASTERCARD & CANNOLIS ACCEPTED

That huckleberry Lou Brock, he keeps calling me a rookie.
-Phil Rizzuto, on his induction to the Hall of Fame at age 77


PETE ROSE

Pete Rose had a .303 career batting average, which, coincidentally, is the percentage of times he tells the truth.
-Norman Chad

‘What a Conversation with Pete Rose Would Be Like If He Hit Your Car While You Were Standing Next To It and You Caught the Whole Thing On Video”
“You hit my car.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. I was right here. You slammed right into it.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I have video footage of your car ramming mine.”
“I wasn’t driving.”
“You’re clearly visible in the tape.”
“Maybe that tape’s from the other car I hit.”
“You can see today’s newspaper on the dash of my car.”
“Maybe it was some other guy who looks like me.”
“When you got out of the car, your wallet flopped open to your driver’s license.”
“I don’t know why you’re persecuting me like this.”
“You hit my car!”
-Derek Zumsteg


BABE RUTH

Well, they ought to make these f---in’ parks bigger.
-Babe Ruth, after an early fine for ‘losing’ home run balls

He talked with the Boy Scouts in his spare time, telling them not to smoke. (He lit up a cigar as soon as he left).
-Leigh Montville

All the lies about him are true.
-Jimmy Dykes


CURT SCHILLING

Of all the adjectives one might use to describe Curt Schilling, 'likable' would rank down there with 'svelte', 'shy' and 'Japanese'.
-Will Leitch

Bad news: Major shoulder surgery likely puts an end to Curt Schilling's baseball career. Worse news: major shoulder surgery likely marks the beginning of Curt Schilling's television career.
-Craig Calcaterra


TOM SEAVER

I WAS A BELIEVER / BUT NOW WE’VE LOST SEAVER
-fan banner, after the Mets’ notorious 1977 trade


THE ‘70’S

Gas prices are headed through the roof, everyone in the Middle East hates us, Toronto and Seattle are in last place- Happy 1978, everybody!
-Bill Scheft, on 2004


SLUMPING

When you’re not winning, it’s tough to win.
-Tony La Russa

I know we’re better than this, but we can’t prove it.
-Tony Gwynn


NOT-SO-SMARTS

I was just trying to think, but I give up.
-Wilbert Robinson

It's hard to say what would be a bigger long shot for [Kyle'> Farnsworth- an All-Star appearance or a Mensa membership.
-Jonah Keri


SPITTERS

No, everything I use was made right here in the United States.
-George Frazier, when asked if he’d ever put a foreign substance on a ball


SPORTSWRITERS ON SPORTSWRITERS

Americans tend to attribute our nation's ‘loss of innocence’ to some unfortunate event that just so happened to occur around the same time they themselves lost their baby fat. For my parents it was the JFK assassination; for me it was New Coke. Sportswriters and broadcasters, for their part, tend to pinpoint baseball's loss of all that is pure at almost exactly the same time they started having to write on a deadline.
-Craig Calcaterra


THIN STAFFS

Our best pitchers were Nolan Ryan and nobody.
-Dick Williams, on the mid-‘70’s Angels


GETTING STARTED

When I was around seven, I joined my grandfather on the sofa in Toronto. He was watching the Blue Jays on TV. “See that player on the screen?” he said. “I can ask him to get a hit for you.” The player was Shannon Stewart. My grandpa picked up the phone and dialed an imaginary number.
”How can he hear you?” I asked.
”He's got a phone in his helmet,” he replied. In fact, Grandpa knew the habits of every ballplayer at the plate. “If you can hear me, tap your helmet,” he said. Stewart did. “Good. I've got Nathaniel here, and I was wondering if you would try to get a hit for him? If you will, tap your bat on the plate.” Stewart did. A moment later, Stewart doubled. After he slid into second, my grandpa- still on the phone- said, “if that was for Nathaniel, brush off your pants.” Once again, Stewart did as told. From that point on, I’ve loved baseball.
-Nat Frum


STATISTICAL INTERPRETATION

Rick Miller hit only one home run last year and that's like hitting none.
-Jerry Coleman

Tied.
-Bill Lee, on the ‘75 World Series’ status after two games


WORKING FOR THE BOSS

He's a very lucky man. He escaped the dictatorial reign of a ruthless tyrant and is now working for George Steinbrenner.
-David Letterman, on Cuban defector Orlando Hernandez


STENGELESE

I broke in with four hits and the writers promptly decided they had seen the new Ty Cobb. It took me a few days to correct that impression.
-Casey Stengel

Take Ty Cobb, who is dead at the present time . . .

Most people my age are dead.


STREAKS

There goes the A’s 113-game hitting streak.
-Jim Palmer, on his Oakland no-hitter


TEAM TOGETHERNESS

Other than everybody hating each other? Great.
-Rod Beck, on the ‘01 Red Sox’ morale


TRADED

This is a trade that makes you more and more dumbfounded the more you contemplate it. It’s like a defective Magic Eye poster.
-Rany Jazayerli


UMPIRING

Any umpire who claims he never missed a play is . . . well, an umpire.
-Ron Luciano

We’re a necessary evil.
-Larry Young, on his fellow umpires


UMP EYESIGHT

Jimmy Dykes: How do you spell your name?
George Moriarty: M-O-R-I-A-R-T-Y.
Dykes: That’s what I thought- only one ‘eye’.


UMPIRE SCHOOL

The only thing I knew about umpire school was that they didn’t look at your SAT scores. If you could afford the tuition, they didn’t even care if you could pass a blood test.
-Ken Kaiser

Umpire school is sort of like military basic training, but without the fun.
-Kaiser


THE WEATHER REPORT

I hope so. That’s the only weather I’ve got now.
-Billy Williams, on whether he was a hot-weather hitter


EARL WEAVER

The two words that were to haunt me for the rest of my career.
-Ron Luciano, on ‘Earl Weaver’


WEIGHTY ISSUES

He can have an MVP year and still not hit his weight.
-Anonymous player, on hefty power hitter Kevin Mitchell

The bad thing is when the guy behind the counter doesn’t even ask for your order anymore. He just knows.
-Jason Giambi, on his daily double-cheeseburger habit

The Yankees contacted the visiting clubhouse manager of every stadium where they play and asked that the candy and ice cream be removed before the team comes to town. Ways you know the Yankee candy ban is serious:
• Instead of cork, hollowed-out bats now contain Reese's Pieces.
• [Mike'> Mussina doctoring pitches with chocolate hidden under brim of cap.
• Steinbrenner laying off Oompa Loompa’s right and left.
-Will Leitch


WEIGHTY ISSUES- THE UMPS

I got a lot more upset about missing a meal than missing a play.
-Ken Kaiser

Throw your jacket over the infield.
-Tommy Lasorda's rain delay advice to 375-lb. umpire Eric Gregg


DAVID WELLS

I'm fat and you're ugly. But I can diet.
-David Wells’ standard response to reporter questions on his weight

The Yankee front office recently fined debut author David Wells $100,000 for his recent claim that he suffered a ‘skull-rattling hangover’ while pitching a perfect game in 1998. To make matters worse, literary critics have also slammed the ‘Perfect I’m Not!’ autobiography for its derivative prose and uninspired imagery.
-Diego Musilli


WHAT?

This series is already won, but I don't know by which team.
-Dizzy Dean

Nolan Ryan’s pitching a lot better now that he has his curve ball straightened out.
-Joe Garagiola

When it comes to stolen bases, this year I’m going to double my limit.
-Mickey Rivers

Our phenoms aren’t phenomenating.
-Lefty Phillips

Today was a good game, but we lost. Tomorrow is a very important game for us to lose. I mean . . .
-Charlie Manuel, after Game One of the ‘07 NLDS. The Phillies did lose Game Two


DICK WILLIAMS

He treats people like they’re not people.
-Steve Henderson, on Williams


TED WILLIAMS, THE HITTER

It was nice to know you.
-reported message to Minor League manager Donie Bush, after he threatened to quit over the antics of a teenage Williams


TED WILLIAMS, THE PERSONALITY

For chrissakes, no swear words.
-Ted Williams’ advice for dating

Ted Williams is a really, really great guy /
He really likes kids, but hates wearing ties. /
He won two Triple Crowns and was the MVP twice /
He feuded with sportswriters, but to kids he was nice. /
521 homers, he’s in the Hall of Fame /
He’s The Kid, The Thumper, and Teddy Ballgame. /
He would do anything for the Jimmy Fund /
And I’d like to say thank you for all he’s done. /
-ten-year old Katie Shaughnessy


WORLD OF SPORTS

In 1990, [Roger Clemens'> suited up for a playoff game against Oakland lampblack under each eye and Ninja Turtle shoelaces in his spikes. He looked like the ferocious middle linebacker at a preschool.
-Charles P. Pierce, on why ballplayers shouldn’t play football

You know, they don’t curve a football.
-Roy Campanella, on the difference between baseball and football

It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
-Hank Aaron


WRIGLEY FIELD

Naming rights to stadiums obviously wouldn't cost so much if there weren't a proven financial benefit. And yet, I don't hear 'Wrigley Field' and immediately think 'Doublemint Gum'. I hear 'Wrigley Field' and think 'beer'.
-Rick Morrissey


YANKEE HATERS

It is a dark time for the Rebellion.
Although the Death Original Yankee Star Stadium has been destroyed dismantled and sold piece by piece to the highest bidder,
Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base
and pursued them across the galaxy American League.
-blogger ‘Gamingboy’, on the 2009 season for ‘the Evil Empire’


TALES OF YANKEE POWER

Picking this team was more painful than my knee replacement.
-Yogi Berra, on his ‘All-Time Yankee Team’


YANKEE PRIDE

If you guys don’t shut up, I’ll put on my old Yankee uniform and scare you to death.
-ex-Yankee Waite Hoyt, to opposing NL players


YANKEE STADIUM

If Babe Ruth was the man who built Yankee Stadium, by 1927 Lou Gehrig was its major subcontractor.
-Richard Bak


YOGI

Those Yankees were good guys and great players. If you didn’t like Mickey Mantle, you didn’t like your wife, and if you didn’t like Yogi Berra, you didn’t like your sister. That’s the way I looked at it.
-Johnny Pesky


YOGI-ISM’S

If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.
-Yogi Berra

I think it's wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.
-on Little League

What company?
-on being told that Whitey Ford was ‘The Chairman of the Board’

I hope I never see my name up there.
-after seeing a list of former Yankees who had died over the past year


FOREVER YOUNG

The average career for the nearly 6,000 position players who have donned the spikes since 1902 is a meager 5.6 years. Of course, if you take Julio Franco out of the mix, the average goes down to 3.8.
-Craig Calcaterra



The 1st

Sidebar: Royal Pain

Ever watch one of those blooper highlight reels, the ones where fast-paced, wacky music plays as various Major Leaguers bumble and stumble through one amusing error after another? Well, watching the basement-dwelling Royals of the late 1990’s was sort of like that, but without all the edits.

It wasn’t just that Kansas City lost enough to put a long-term lease on last place, it was the fact that, very often, they were so . . . strange about it. The club didn’t just fall into fifth place, they pratfell their way there.

Joe Posnanski, among others, chronicled some of the anti-highlights of the era. With names removed in order to protect the guilty, sit back and try to imagine as:

A Royal runs and climbs the centerfield wall to make a leaping catch, only to watch the ball fall a few feet short of the warning track . . . a runner literally falls off of first base on a pickoff play, then gets called out . . . two fielders fail to call for a fly ball, assume that the other will catch it, and both begin to head for the dugout as the untouched ball falls behind them . . . an outfielder hits the cutoff man- in his face. . . the first Royal batter of the game is called out for batting out of order . . . another fielder hits another cutoff man- in the back of his head . . . the K.C. catcher walks off the field, thinking there were three outs, despite the fact only two opponents had come to bat . . . an outfield misplays a line drive, drops it to his feet, attempts to kick the ball back to the infield, and, predictably, fails . . .

Funny stuff, all in all. If you weren’t a Royal fan.


The 2nd

Sidebar: Playing the Field

Baseball players are, typically, rich, physically fit, and famous. They tend to enjoy themselves, both on and off the field.

In the swinging ‘60’s, for instance, players were open than ever in their dating freedoms. The ever-gregarious Elio Chacon, for instance, would meet up with family members in virtually every road town the Mets visited; his teammates noticed that all of his ‘cousins’ happened to be beautiful women. Notorious womanizer Bo Belinsky was a bit more open about his extracurricular activities as he bragged about his many conquests and once brought actress Mamie Van Doren along to Spring Training as his “physical fitness director.”

Joe Pepitone did Belinsky one better in 1965, when he began dating the grown daughter of his Yankee manager, Johnny Keane. Pepitone claimed that it wasn’t a big deal that he was after his manager’s daughter. “S---,” he explained, “I was after everyone’s daughter.”

That was a good line, but not even Joe Pep could top Pete Rose for sheer brazenness. It’s said that Rose gave both his wife and his girlfriends to a ball game. It was the same game. And the girlfriend got the better tickets.

The 3rd

Sidebar: Fan Friendly

Baseball players and baseball fans have always had an unusually close relationship.

Wilbert Robinsons of the old Dodgers used to engage in running conversations with cab drivers, doormen, and other everyday people, justifying his lineups and tactical game moves as he went about his off-hours business. Don Zimmer and other members of the latter-day Brooklyns used to ride the same New York City subways that carried their fans and Willie Mays was famous for playing in kids’ pickup stickball games on the Harlem streets. Famous figures, including Casey Stengel and Harry Caray, listed their telephone numbers in home town white pages.

At other times players reached out by generously handing out autographs. For instance, in the early 1930’s Gabby Hartnett of the Cubs was known to shake hands, slap backs, and sign for all comers at Wrigley Field. Commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis warned Hartnett to quit glad-handing one particular front-row patron, who happened to be the most notorious gangster in the country; the star said he would be happy to abide by the Commissioner’s decision, just as long as it was Landis who broke the bad news to Al Capone.

Other players did were just as relaxed about rubbing elbows. Roger McDowell once helped the fans beat the summer heat by spraying them with a garden hose and Tom Browning once showed up at a 1993 Wrigleyville barbeque, which wouldn’t have been too notable except for the fact that it was game time and Browning was dressed in his Reds uniform.


The 4th

Sidebar: Clank

Great fielders are given Gold Glove awards. Good fielders are complimented for soft leather. Bad fielders are told they have iron gloves.

The expression’s been around since forever, but it gained new currency in the 1960’s, when a defensive liability named Curt Blefary was nicknamed ‘Clank’; once, when the Oriole team bus once drove past a junkyard, Frank Robinson told the driver to stop so Blefary could pick out a new glove. A few years later, when Dave Kingman had to take his seldom-used leather in for repairs, broadcaster Richie Ashburn suggested that the team call a welder.

Teammates have also tried different stunts to reinforce the ‘iron’-man theme, too. When Joe Morgan made three errors in a mid-1970’s game, for example, he came back to his locker to find a big garbage can with a sign reading ‘Glove wanted, will pay cash’. There was another time when Ron Blomberg’s fielding misadventures once inspired fellow Yankee Sparky Lyle to buy a metal pizza lid, hammer it into the rough shape of a mitt, then position it in front of Bloomie’s locker; it sported a sign reading ‘Blomberg’s glove’.


The 5th
Sidebar: Dave Kingman, Media Hater

Ken Kaiser once said that the relationship between umpires and players is sort of like that of dieticians to overweight people, or dentists to kids, or IRS agents to pretty much everyone- they’re the guys who ruin all the fun. He might have said the same thing about the relationship between reporters and ball players.

No one likes to answer nosy questions after failing at work, and that’s especially true when one’s failures are played out in front of tens of thousands of ball park fans and millions of viewers. Dave Kingman, especially, didn’t like it. Not a bit.

To be sure, Kingman’s problems didn’t start with the media. ‘Kong’ had a surly attitude toward teammates (“he has the personality of a tree trunk,” said one) and nothing but disdain for the fans. Most observers believed that he didn’t even like the game itself, which is why he once turned down Ted Williams’ offer to talk hitting.

Still, there was something about media attention brought out the worst in a bad guy.

Beyond the usual arsenal of ‘no comments’ and four-letter curse words, Kingman made a point of antagonizing, even attacking, reporters. He once poured a cold beer down the back of a female correspondent and, on another occasion, tossed a fully-clothed, startled producer into Lake Michigan. Near the end of his career, while he was playing for Oakland, he once mailed a reporter a gift-wrapped box containing a dead rat. When someone pointed out that kind of psycho behavior could get a guy arrested, Kingman shrugged and said “now you’ve got something to write about for two days.”

In retrospect, the ‘highpoint’ in King Kong’s media relationship was one occasion when he avoided reporters altogether. It seems that the 1980 Cubs, at their star slugger’s own request, set up a special Dave Kingman Day, complete with a big fan giveaway of 15,000 free t-shirts. Kingman wanted the attention but, apparently, didn’t want the attendant reporter’s questions, so . . . he didn’t show up. For his own party.


The 6th
Sidebar: Taking License

Ball players are among the most well-known of well-known Americans, with a fame reflected on everything from television screens to computer screens to silver screens. Sometimes even that attention’s not quite enough, though, and they decide to advertise themselves through their favorite rides.

For instance, in the mid-1990’s Barry Bonds rode around San Francisco with a motorcycle proclaiming his MVP status on a flamboyant gasoline tank inscription. Typical immodesty from the National Pastime’s most overdeveloped ego, but Bonds’ self-advertising had a kind of precedent in Heine Groh, who hit .474 in the 1922 Word Series, then drove around with a post-retirement vanity plate reading ‘474’.

Gaylord Perry’s license plate had a more direct, ‘SPITTER’ message, while Rob Dibble drove around with an equally self-explanatory ‘I PITCH’. Closer to the modern day, Joel Zumaya’s Michigan state license honored both his famed fastball and Tigers jersey number: ‘ZOOM 54’, it read.

There was also some room for humility in the naming, of course. After down-to-earth, folksy Ralph Houk contributed to multiple championships in the Bronx, his boat was dubbed ‘THANKS YANKS’. Mitch ‘Wild Thing’ Williams did Houk one better; after he retired, he took part-ownership in a horse stable, then labeled it the ‘3 & 2 Ranch’.

But there was no truth to the rumor that Jim Rice, who hit into 315 career double-plays, ever took a vanity license plate reading ‘6-4-3’.


Sidebar: The Numbers Game

Outside of baseball, most people fear being reduced to mere numbers. Ball players tend to welcome it, probably because they’ve always had reasons to identify with their favorite digits.

There was Bill Voiselle, for instance, who grew up near the town of Ninety Six, South Carolina, and wore #96 during his playing career. Carlos May requested #17 so the back of his jersey could read ‘MAY 17’, which just happened to be his birthday. Goose Gossage took #54 in most of his MLB stops because it reminded him of his rookie year, when he was among those long-shot prospects who were automatically assigned high numbers.

Bill ‘The Spaceman’ Lee, that unique character, may have had the most unique numberical explanation- because the letters in ‘L-E-E’ read something like ‘3-3-7’ when placed upside down, the Spaceman took #37 for his uniform.

For certain other players, jersey numbers gained a special meaning only after the fact.

That’s how it was for Hank Aaron, who took #44 on the Braves for no special reason, but did end up hitting 44 home runs in a season four times; he once joked that, in retrospect, he should have chosen #66.

Warren Spahn, similarly, chose #21, then won 21 games in a season eight times. Late in the 1951 season, shortly after the crafty lefty won his 21st, he borrowed a teammate’s #22 uniform. That was the night Warren Spahn won his 22nd game of the year.


The 9th

Sidebar: Teddy Ballgame

Ted Williams. He was the Hall of Fame hitter who hated the media and earned decorations in two wars. He was a man who battled opposing pitchers, Boston sportswriters, and Communists through gritted teeth.

He was a guy who smiled through many of his best days, too.

It was true: Teddy Ballgame was beloved by teammates and opponents alike. Some of that came in Williams’ willingness to dispense detailed hitting tips to anyone who would listen, but some of the good will came in the legend’s sense of humor and sportsmanship.

A couple of stories seem to best capture that joyful spirit:

Once, after Pedro Ramos managed to strike him out in the mid-1950’s, the Senators pitcher actually asked Williams to sign the keepsake baseball, so as usual, Williams grumbled a bit, but did provide the signature. Not long afterwards, Ramos faced Williams once again, but this time he gave up a booming homer so, as Williams hopped and skipped around the base paths, Ted drew Ramos’ eyes to the bleachers and shouted, “If you find it, I’ll sign that one, too!”

Another time, in 1948, Williams faced Lou Brissie of the Athletics, a fellow World War II veteran who suffered severe combat injuries that necessitated a heavy leg brace. As it happened, Williams managed a vicious line drive off Brissie, one that caromed off the leg brace and instantly brought the pitcher down in a heap. Williams raced to the mound and, as Brissie looked up to see Williams’ mortified look, he said “For Chrissakes, Williams, pull the damn ball!”

Do you know what Ted Williams did in his next game against Brissie? He hit a home run. As Teddy began his home run trot, he smiled and tipped his cap to his good friend; Brissie only shook his head and muttered “You didn’t have to pull it that far, Williams.”



Over the Air

Thom Brennaman-
There are a lot of good ballgames on tomorrow, but we're going to be right here with the Cubs and the Mets.


Harry Caray-
Caray: Mike Marshall went back to LA to get cocaine for his foot.
Steve Stone: That’s Novocain, Harry.

Caray: Oh, that Nancy Faust can really play the organ. Don’t you just love it? Her music could drive me to dance.
Jimmy Piersall: Your dancing could drive me to drink, Harry.


Jerry Coleman-
They throw [Dave'> Winfield out at second, but he's safe.

Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more games than a good play.

It was gone before it got outta here. It was going that fast.

You never want to come right down the middle on 3-0, no matter what the count.

Last night’s homer was Willie Stargell’s 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.

The ball bounces foul and hits [a player'> in the head. No harm done.

Ozzie Smith just made another play that I've never seen anyone else make before, and I've seen him make it more often than anyone else ever has.

Next up is Fernando Gonzalez, who is not playing tonight.

The Phillies beat the Cubs today in the doubleheader. That puts another keg on the Cubs’ coffin.

The ex-lefthander, Dave Roberts, will be going for Houston.

Mike Caldwell, the Padres’ right-handed southpaw . . .

Enos Cabell started out with the Astros. And before that he was with the Orioles.

Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall- and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres.

McCovey swings and misses and it's fouled back.

Gaylord Perry and Willie McCovey should know each other like a book. They've been ex-teammates for years now.

Rich Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen . . .

We just found out that Glenn [Beckert'> has been waived, and we hope that before he packs his bags and heads home, he’ll stop by the booth so we can kiss him goodbye. He’s that kind of guy.

Manny Sanguillen is totally unpredictable to pitch to because he’s so unpredictable.

He can be lethal death.

The way he’s swinging, he won’t get a hit until the 20th century.

The sky is so clear today you can see all the way to Missouri.
-on the view from Royals Stadium (which is in Missouri)

I never have trouble remembering the things I can remember, but I have trouble remembering the things I’ve forgotten.

And the game is over. For the inning.

I've made a couple of mistakes I'd like to do over.


Ken Coleman-
Coleman: It says here that Roger [Clemens'>’ favorite singer is Steve Nicks.
Joe Castiglione: Ken, I believe that’s Stevie Nicks.
Coleman: Well, I call him Steve.
Castiglione: Uh, Ken, Stevie is a girl.


Dizzy Dean-
Pee Wee Reese: What would you say he’s been throwing out there?
Dean: I’ve been watching him for four innings and I believe that’s a baseball he’s throwin’.

Don't fail to miss tomorrow's game.
-his sign-off line


Don Drysdale-
The Houston Astros are the youngest team in the National League, if you judge by age.


Ron Fairly-
Bruce Sutter has been around for a while and he's pretty old. He's 35 years old, that will give you some idea of how old he is.

Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.

That's another example of the lack of the speed the Giants have, or don't have.


Frankie Frisch-
It’s a beautiful day for a night game.


Curt Gowdy-
I think the Red Sox’ future is ahead of them.


Hank Greenwald-
The Kansas City / Cleveland doubleheader was postponed because of rain. They’ll play four tomorrow.


Fran Healy-
The most important statistic in baseball? The RBI. An even more important statistic? The important RBI.


Ralph Kiner-
It’s going, it’s going, it’s going . . . it’s going to be caught.

The Mets have gotten their leadoff hitter on base only once this inning.

Third base is a reactionary position.

We'll be back to wrap things up after this word from Bud Black.
-on an upcoming commercial for Bud Light

Unfortunately, [Bruce Sutter’s'> going to be out of action the rest of his career.

The reason the Mets have played so well at Shea this year is they have the best home record in baseball.

We’ll be back with Mets baseball right after this season is over.

Daryl [Boston'>, you’ve really solidified the Mets' center field problems.

David Cone is the only Met pitcher who has a pinch hit as a pinch hitter.

Now Frank Graff is in the game. Frank Bert, that is. Check that, it’s Bert Frank.
-on Bert Graff’s entrance into a game

And Ricky Jordan takes a ball for a strike.

They will surpass the father-son tandem of Buddy Bell and Yogi Berra.
-on Bobby & Barry Bonds' home run total

Len Dykstra's wife is pregnant and she, too, will now be coming to the Philadelphia Phillies.

If Casey Stengel were alive today, he’d be spinning in his grave.

On a cold night you have to hit the ball 25 feet farther. In other words, if the fence is 338 feet and you hit the ball 338 feet, you’ll be 25 feet short.

Kiner: Now I’ll turn it over to Tim MacArthur.
Tim McCarver: It’s McCarver, Ralph, but like MacArthur, I shall return . . . after this break.


Sean McDonough-
Here’s Dwight Evans, who’s one ship high of 2,300 for his career.


Larry Oesterman-
Here’s a swing and a fo---.
-his call immediately before getting struck in the head by a foul ball in Detroit


Phil Rizzuto-
And that ball is out of here! No, it’s not. Yes, it is. No, it’s not. What happened?

That ball took a bad hop in the air.

And he hits one in the hole . . . They're gonna have to hurry . . . THEY'LL NEVER GET HIM! . . . They got him! How do you like that! . . . Holy cow! . . . I changed my mind before he got there, so that doesn't count as an error.
The Yankees' attendance is higher than it's ever been in quite some time.

Welcome to New York Yankee Baseball. I'm Bill White . . . wait a minute.

They won two ballgames we should’ve won and we won two ball games they should’ve won.
-on the Yankees’ four-game series in Milwaukee

Rizzuto: There’s a foul ball smashed in the Yankee dugout . . . Boy, I hope that’s not Guidry who got in the way.
Frank Messer: Uh, Scooter, Guidry’s on the mound.

Rizzuto: They say, ‘The cream always rises to the top’.
Fran Healy: Who told you that?
Rizzuto: My milkman.

Bill White: That was a five-star catch.
Rizzuto: I’d give him a six! Four for stopping the home run and two for the catch!

Rizzuto: [Bob Bailey'> looks a little out of shape, doesn’t he?
White: Well, Beetle’s been around a while . . . got a lot of money, put it all in California real estate. That’s why he’s got a big, um . . .
Rizzuto: Big what?
White: Big bank account.

Rizzuto: (singing over a closeup of a female fan in the rain): ‘A pretty girl is like a memory . . .’
White: I think that's ‘melody’.
Rizzuto: How do you know her name?

White: Phil, you’ve got mustard all over your tie.
Rizzuto: You huckleberry- that’s New Jersey!


Byrum Saam-
Mel Allen: And now, here from Philadelphia, is the affable, able, and amiable announcer- the great Byrum Saam.
Byrum Saam: Right you are, Mel.


Herb Score-
There’s a fly ball deep to right field. Is it fair? Is it foul? It is!

Next in to pitch is Mike Moore, who is 6’1” and 212 years old.


Steve Zabriskie-
It’s playable- if it stays in play.



The Diamond on the Silver Screen


The Babe-
Dugan: Hit ‘em where they ain’t, that’s the game we play.
Ruth: Well, they ain’t over the fences.

Claire: I saw you hit a home run last week- it went right throw a plate-glass window.
Ruth: Yeah, I used to get arrested for that. Now they give me a check.


Bad News Bears (1976)-
Contract disputes.
-Coach Buttermaker, on why he never made it to the Majors

Tanner: We lost eighteen to nothin', Buttercrud, and the Athletics are the worst team in the league!
Ahmad: Second worst.

Coach Buttermaker: Come on, fellas. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Ogilvie: Yeah, it took several hundred years.

Engelberg: You're not supposed to have open liquor in the car. It's against the law.
Coach Buttermaker: So is murder, Engleberg. Now put that back before you get me in real trouble.

My first baseman is lonely.
-Coach Turner, on an intentional walk


Bad News Bears (2005)-
(at a ladies’ softball game)
You know, I never thought I'd say 'look at the ass on that second baseman', but look at the ass on that second baseman.


Bang the Drum Slowly-
When I die, in the newspapers they'll write that the sons of bitches of this world have lost their leader.


The Benchwarmers-
If you build it, nerds will come.


The Big Lebowski-
Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax . . .
-on Judaism


Bull Durham-
You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a f---in’ boat.

What do we need a scoreboard for? We haven't scored any runs all season.

Let's have some fun out here! This game's fun, OK? Fun goddamnit!

Skip: What's our record, Larry?
Coach: We're 8-16.
Skip: 8-16! How'd we ever win eight?

Annie: Have you heard of Walt Whitman?
Nuke: No. Who's he play for?

You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service, and the women all have long legs and brains.
-on the Major Leagues

Ball boy: Get a hit, Crash.
Crash: Shut up.

Announcer: Welcome to the Eastern Seaboard Tobacco Growers / City Council Little League Cash Drop Day . . .


City Slickers-
Phil: Will you stop with Roberto Clemente? Henry Aaron was the greatest right fielder of our generation!
Ed: Could he run like Clemente? Could he throw like Clemente?
Phil: Look, I'm going to say one thing to you, OK? It's ‘755 home runs’. Goodbye.
Ed: Hey, Clemente was killed in a plane crash!
Phil: What, you're going to blame that on Aaron?
Ed: No, I'm not blaming, I'm just saying.

Bonnie: Ugh, baseball.
Ed: You've got something against baseball?
Bonnie: It's just that I used to live with a guy that was like a baseball encyclopedia, and I just got flashes.
Phil: So you hate baseball?
Bonnie: No, I like baseball. I just never understood how you guys could spend so much time discussing it. I mean, I've been to games, but I don't memorize who played third base for Pittsburgh in 1960.
Mitch: Don Hoak.
Phil: Don Hoak.
Mitch: Beat you.
Bonnie: See, that's exactly what I mean.
Phil: So, what do you and your friends talk about, out there?
Bonnie: Real life. Relationships. Are they working, are they not. Who she's seeing, is that working.
Ed: No contest, we win.
Bonnie: Why?
Ed: Honey, if that were as interesting as baseball, they'd have cards for it and sell it with gum.


The Couch Trip-
Burns: What about our dreams, man? Our dream of playing for the Cubs in the World Series. You’re pitching, I’m catching, bases are jammed in the ninth. I call for a spitter. The bottom drops out of the pitch, Mattingly strikes out, and when the dust clears, man, it’s you and me, sitting proud.
Patient: No way, man
Burns: And why not”
Patient: ’Cause even in a dream, the Cubs can’t win a World Series.


Damn Yankees-
One long ball hitter, that's what we need! I'd sell my soul for one long ball hitter . . . Hey, where'd you come from?


Eight Men Out-
Abe Atell: 'Sleepy' Bill Burns! Strictly bench material.
Bill Burns: I won a few games.
Atell: You lost a few more.

Lawyer (introducing his associates): Their names may not sound familiar, but I'd say that these men are the Ty Cobb, the Tris Speaker, and the Zack Wheat of the legal world.
Buck Weaver: Then who's the Babe Ruth?
Lawyer: That would be me.


Ferris Bueller’s Day Off-
(watching a Cubs game)
Principal Rooney: What’s the score?
Barkeeper: Nuthin’-Nuthin’.
Rooney: Who’s ahead?
Barkeeper (pause): The Bears.


Fever Pitch-
Ed: There are other sports besides baseball, you know.
Ben: I could debate you, but that would only lead to me being led away in handcuffs.

Ben: What are you saying? Are you saying she’s out of my league?
Student: I don’t know, man. She’s bringing some serious heat - I don’t know if you’ve got the bat speed.

The Red Sox never let you down. That's right. I mean- why? Because they haven't won a World Series in a century or so? So what? They're here. Every April, they're here. At 1:05 or at 7:05, there is a game. And if it gets rained out, guess what? They make it up to you. Does anyone else in your life do that?

Ben: Every year, for Spring vacation, me and my friends go down to Florida.
Lindsey: For Spring Break? At your age?
Ben: Not Spring Break, Spring Training. With the Red Sox.
Lindsey: You get to train with the Red Sox?!
Ben: No, we just watch the games.
Lindsey: Aren't those practice games?
Ben: Yeah, but there's more to it than that. We scout the players- which ones they should keep, which ones they should get rid of . . .
Lindsey: And the Red Sox ask your opinion?
Ben: No, but if they ever do . . .

Friend: So, when you were there when they wheeled out Ted Williams at the All Star Game?
Ben: I was there. I was ten feet away from him. Old men, crying . . . tough old guys- tears. Even I lost it. I got a program I could show you.
Friend: If Lindsey ever breaks up with you, I’ll kill her.

Player: Let me leave you with this thought- you love the Sox. But have the Sox ever loved you back?
Ben: Who are you? Dr. Phil? Get up to bat!


Field of Dreams-
Ray Kinsella: So what do you want?
Terence Mann: I want them to stop looking to me for answers, begging me to speak again, write again, be a leader! I want them to start thinking for themselves and I want my privacy!
Ray (gesturing to the concession stand): No, I meant what do you want?
Terence: 'Dog and a beer.

Archie (following a brushback pitch): Hey, ump, how about a warning?
Umpire: Sure- watch out you don't get killed, kid.


For Love of the Game-
Jane: Little boys buy cards with your picture on them!
Billy: They buy those for the gum.

Jane: You ever gotten your heart broken?
Billy: Yeah. When we lost the pennant in '87.

Manager Frank Perry: Your arm hurting?
Billy: Yeah.
Frank: How long?
Billy: Ten years.


Good Will Hunting-
Will: So wait a minute- the Red Sox hadn't won a World Series since 1918, you slept out for tickets, game’s gonna start in twenty minutes, in walks a girl you never seen before . . . and you give your ticket away?
Sean: You should have seen this girl. She lit up the room.
Will: I don't care if Helen of Troy walked into that bar! That's Game Six of the World Series! And what kind of friends are these? They let you get away with that?
Sean: I just slid my ticket across the table and said, ‘sorry fellas, I gotta go see about a girl’.
Will: ‘I gotta go see about a girl’?! What’d they say?
Sean: They could see that I meant it.
Will: You're kiddin' me.
Sean: No Will, I'm not kiddin' you. If I had gone to see that game I'd be in here talkin' about a girl I saw at a bar twenty years ago and how I always regretted not goin' over there and talkin' to her.
Will: Would have been nice to catch that game, though.
Sean: Well hell, I didn't know Pudge was gonna hit the home run.


A League of Their Own-
Walter Harvey: You kind of let me down on that San Antonio job.
Jimmy Dugan: I, uh, yeah, I, uh, freely admit, sir, I had no right to sell off the team's
equipment like that. That won't happen again.
Harvey: Let me be blunt. Are you still a fall-down drunk?
Dugan: Well, that is blunt. Ahem. No sir, I've, uh, quit drinking.
Harvey: You've seen the error of your ways.
Dugan: No, I just can't afford it.
Harvey: It's funny to you. Your drinking is funny. You're a young man, Jimmy: you still could be playing, if you just would've laid off the booze.
Dugan: Well, it's not exactly like that . . . I hurt my knee.
Harvey: You fell out of a hotel window. That's how you hurt it.
Dugan: Well, there was a fire.
Harvey: Which you started. Which I had to pay for.
Dugan: Well, now, I was going to send you a thank-you card, Mr. Harvey, but I wasn't allowed anything sharp to write with.


Major League-
Board Member: I've never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
Charlie Donovan: Most of these guys never had a prime.
Board Member: This guy here is dead.
Rachel Phelps: Cross him off then.

I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this s--- at least you could've said you were from the Yankees.

Remember, fans, Tuesday is ‘Die Hard Night’. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant.

Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair.

Lady: Don’t baseball players make a lot of money?
Jake Taylor: That depends on how good you are.
Lady: How good are you?
Jake Taylor: I make the league minimum.

Pedro: Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.
Eddie: You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?

Tomlinson’s gonna need a visa to catch this one . . .

Lou: Roger Dorn? I thought you said we didn't have any high-priced talent.
Charlie: Forget about Dorn. He's just high-priced.

Willie Mays Hayes: The American Express Card: Don't steal home without it.

Juuuust a bit outside . . .


Major League II-
There ain’t no odds in beating yourself no matter what the percentages are.

Willie Mays Hayes: I’m buffed up this winter
Lou Brown: You needed to, to carry all that jewelry.

Ricky Vaughn: I’ll throw it, you catch it.
Jack Parkman: I will, if it ever gets to me.

Doorman: Mr. Vaugh, I thought you started tonight.
Vaughn: I did.
Doorman: Sorry, I didn’t tune in until the second inning.

Harry Doyle: So, Hiroshi "Kamikaze" Tanaka, recently of the Tokyo Giants, knocks himself cold for the second time this week. Personally, I think he's just trying to get out of the lineup.


Mr. Baseball-
Coach: You hit .235 last season.
Jack: Last season I led the club in 9th inning doubles in the month of August.

It's like being a black guy back home. Only there are less of us.
-on being an American ballplayer in Japan

Yeah. I know who you are. I've been in Japan, not dead.


Oh God!-
Jerry: You’re God. You can protect our future, alleviate suffering, work miracles!
God: I don’t do miracles. They’re flashy and they upset the natural balance. Oh, maybe I’ll do a miracle now and then, just for fun- if it’s not too important. The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets. Before that the 1914 Boston Braves and before that I think you have to go back to the Red Sea.


Public Enemies-
I like baseball, movies, nice clothes, fast cars, whiskey, and you. What else do you need to know?


The Scout-
Steve Nebraska: Al, you're like a dad to me.
Al: But I'm not your dad. I'm just a guy taking 15%.
Steve: I thought it was 10.

God never said people make mistakes- where did you hear that s---? He said honor thy mother, and thy father, and thy Yankee contract!

Don’t eat. Fernando Valenzuela- started out as a pitcher, ended up as a truck.

Steve: What’s the worst that could happen?
Al: You’d lose.
Steve: That’s not so bad. Half the guys out there lose every night.



Nicknames

Walt ‘The Quiet Man’ Alston
Alston lasted more than 20 years as Dodger manager because he was about as calm and low-key as anyone could be while remaining awake; for his rural Ohio upbringing, Leo Durocher called Alston ‘The Farmer’.

Albert ‘Mr. Freeze’ Belle
Belle preferred to have the clubhouse nice and cold. Once, when a Tribe teammate tried to turn up the heat up a bit, Belle walked over to the thermostat, turned it down again, then took his bat and smashed the thing to bits; teammates also called Belle ‘Snapper’, thought not to his face.

Dale ‘Boo Boo’ Berra
By making 90 errors from 1982 to 1984, Berra was tagged for the slang for any mistake; the nickname must have been particularly irritating to Berra because ‘Boo Boo’ was also the junior sidekick in the ‘Yogi Bear’ cartoon.

Bert ‘The Frying Dutchman’ Blyleven
Blyleven was undoubtedly the greatest pitcher ever born in the Netherlands- sorry, Rick VandenHurk- and one of the most notorious dugout pranksters in his day, too, making a specialty of ‘hot foot’ blazes.

Bruce ‘Bucket Head’ Bochy
During his late 1970’s playing days, Bochy wore a size eight cap, second only to Oscar Gamble among Major Leaguers; note, however, that Gamble's 10¾ was mostly taken up by his Afro.

‘Boof’ Bonser
Born ‘John Paul Bonser’, Boof adopted a childhood tag to his legal name just as he was starting out in pro ball; Dan Raspatello: “In 2001 Boof sat down and said to himself, ‘I could stick with the Pope’s name or I could go with ‘Boof’ . . . I think I’ll go with ‘Boof’’.”

Lou ‘The Good Kid’ Boudreau
When rumors circulated that the Indians were going to trade their kindly player/manager in the late 1940’s, the subsequent fan revolt compelled owner Bill Veeck to personally visit bars, apologize for even contemplating the move, and assure them that no such thing would ever happen; as a broadcaster, ‘The Good Kid’ would introduce just about every guest as “a good friend” and “fine gentleman” who deserved “continued success.”

Jim ‘The Professor’ Brosnan
Brosnan wrote two bestsellers and did un-jock-like things like wear glasses, smoke a pipe, and listen to classical music; Johnny Roseboro once wrote that he “considered himself an intellectual. I considered him a puss.”

Doug ‘California Whine’ DeCinces
Coined by various umpires and official scorers; according to DeCinces, DeCinces was never out on a close play or made a bona fide error.

Rob ‘King of the Three True Outcomes’ Deer
In the stathead crowd, the only defense-independent (‘true’) offensive outcomes are walks, home runs, and strikeouts, and Deer finished on those leader boards 14 times in seven years.

Bucky ‘F---in’’ Dent
To this day, Dent’s middle name is a curse word in New England; his three-run homer in the ’78 playoff against the Red Sox would have been a routine pop-up in any park except Fenway.

‘Wild Bill’ Donovan
Some assume the nickname came from some association to sharpshooter ‘Wild Bill’ Hickok, but not so; Donovan issued more than 1,000 career bases on balls.

‘Slow Joe’ Doyle
You wouldn’t think that someone named ‘Slow Joe’ would set the Yankee rookie record for consecutive shutout innings, but he did, and has held it for over 100 years now; the (very fast) Joba Chamberlain challenged the 18-inning mark in 2007, but fell just short.

Mike ‘Beat-agan’ Flanagan
When Flanagan served as an Orioles exec alongside Jim Beattie, commentators dubbed the two-headed GM office ‘Beat-agan’, which they pronounced as ‘beat again’.

Nomar ‘Nomah’ Garciaparra
Ah, those Sawx and those Boston accents; Bill Simmons once wrote a fawning column entitled ‘Why No-mah is a Keep-ah’.

(Elijah) ‘Pumpsie’ Green
Like ‘Choo Choo’ Coleman, ‘Pumpsie’ said he didn’t have a clue what his nickname meant; next year in Jerusalem, Elijah.

Bud ‘Shorty’ Harrelson
Harrelson was ‘Shorty’ to Yogi Berra in the mid-1970’s, despite the fact that Bud was at least two inches taller than his (the 5’8”) Met manager.

Von ‘Five for One’ Hayes
In 1982, the highly-touted Hayes was traded from the Indians to the Phillies in exchange for five players, but, obviously, the mocking nickname was kind of unfair; just a few years before, the A’s dealt Vida Blue for seven players, but no one ever called Blue ‘Seven for One’.

(James) ‘Shanty’ Hogan
Back in the 1920’s and 1930’s, ball players had no problem nicknaming a guy ‘Shanty’ because he was about the size (6’1”, 240 lbs.) of a small hut.

Al ‘The Mad Hungarian’ Hrabosky
Hrabosky play the ‘wild man reliever’ role to the hilt; he sported a big Fu Manchu mustache, entered games to the tune of Liszt’s ‘Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2’, waved his arms around, and (according to Bill James) “ripped through his motion as if he had just received a divine command to strike out this hitter.”

Miller ‘Mighty Mite’ Huggins
One of the tiniest managers of the 20th century ended up managing Babe Ruth, one of the biggest, tallest players of his time; if you look at 1920’s-vintage pictures of Huggins and Ruth side by side, they looked like the mismatched partners in a Laurel & Hardy-style comedy act.

Graig ‘Puff’ Nettles
Supposedly for Nettles’ penchant for stirring up clubhouse trouble, then leaving in a puff of smoke; Nettles once named his dog ‘Ohfer’, as in ‘0-fer-5’.

Jose ‘Awfulman’ Offerman
Boston always seems to lead the league in cruel nicknames, doesn’t it?

Jim ‘Cakes’ Palmer
From Palmer’s odd habit of eating pancakes on the morning before every start; in the 1970’s Dock Ellis called him ‘Cy or Cry’ because “if he doesn’t win it, he’s going to cry about it.”

Rick ‘The Mad Scientist’ Peterson
Originally inspired by Peterson’s ever-inventive, ever-manic coaching, the nickname got considerably less cute after he told the Mets to give up on Scott Kazmir and promised to ‘fix’ Victor Zambrano.

Phil ‘Scooter’ Rizzuto
“Billy Hitchcock once told me, ‘you’re not running, you’re scooting’”; Rizzuto’s 60-something son is still known as ‘Scooter Jr’.

Burt ‘KOBS’ Shotten
Irascible New York columnist Dick Young detested the old Dodger manager’s dignified, aloof persona; he snorted and called him ‘Kindly Old Burt Shotten’, or ‘KOBS’ for short.

Don ‘Black & Decker’ Sutton
Notwithstanding his outspoken Christian faith, Sutton was probably the most notorious ball scuffler among 1970’s pitchers; legend has it that Sutton once handed Gaylord Perry a tube of Vaseline, then received a sheet of sandpaper in return.

Lee ‘Echo’ Walls
As a coach for the Yankees, Walls had a habit of repeating whatever the manager said. As a coach for the Yankees, Walls had a habit of repeating whatever the manager said.



The Greatest Baseball Pranks Ever Pulled


25. Trot Nixon and the Standing Ovation Incident

When Trot Nixon hit his first Major League home run in September 1999, the Red Sox were in the middle of a playoff battle with the hated Yankees. In his next at-bat, the home crowd roared as the scoreboard reported New York’s losing score, but Nixon, who was concentrating on the field, had no idea for the reason behind the big applause.

Teammate Damon Buford, noticing Nixon’s confused expression on the on-deck circle, decided he had an opportunity.

Buford walked up to the rookie and ‘explained’ the situation, telling Nixon that the fans’ ovation was a tribute to his blast in the previous at-bat. The ever-helpful veteran also explained that it would only be right for Nixon to acknowledge the applause, and that prompted the ever-gullible rook to stride up to home plate and raise his hands up to . . . an ovation he wasn’t getting. By the time Nixon realized Buford had been pulling his leg, the Red Sox was red with embarrassment.


24. Sparky Lyle and the Marching Band Incident

In his 1970’s heyday reliever Sparky Lyle liked to arrive at his Yankee Spring Training camps with a (fake) plaster cast on his prized pitching arm but one day in 1978, his bosses in the front office decided to mark his entry in their own unique way. That year, when a contract dispute delays his Spring Training arrival by a week, Lyle arrived in a Florida airport to be greeted with a 100+ member high school band, complete with marching baton-twirlers and gyrating pom-pom girls. The band was playing Lyle’s intro song- ‘Pomp and Circumstance’- and holding aloft a sign authored by the Yankee brass: WELCOME TO FORT LAUDERDALE, SPARKY- FINALLY.

The star reliever, ever deadpan, took one look at the scene and muttered to his wife: “Imagine if we’d showed up two weeks late.”


23. Theo Epstein and the Gorilla Suit Incident

Theo Epstein’s celebrated career represented a series of ‘firsts’. He was the first 29-year old to be named a Major League general manager. He was the first to trade a star shortstop in the middle of the playoff run. He was the first Red Sox GM to lead his team to a World Series championship in 86 years. He was also the very first Sox exec to flee from a media horde in a gorilla suit.

Now, about that last one . . .

The stunt/escape occurred as Epstein’s team contract expired on October 31st, 2005. Citing a lack of personal privacy and less-than-complete commitment to the job’s long hours, the young executive decided to resign from his high-profile job with the organization, only to have the tenacious Boston media immediately camp out just outside his Fenway office. Talking to them was about the last thing Epstein wanted to do and, since it was Halloween night, just as he happened to come across a co-worker’s party costume, a full-body gorilla get-up/mask.

A-ha.

Displaying much the same ingenuity he utilized in the Nomar Garciaparra trade, Epstein decided to utilize the simian costume as an emergency disguise. It worked like a charm, too, as the furtive GM slipped right past the lurking media horde, then returned home to eat his dinner in peace. Outsiders only found out that he’d pulled a fast after the fact, when a witness reported . . . a furry black gorilla driving Theo Epstein’s Volvo through Brookline.

(As it happened, Theo soon reconsidered his resignation, and the same went for his choice of dress- just after Epstein returned as Red Sox GM a few months later, he turned his lucky gorilla suit over to a charity auction. From that point on, he mostly stuck to button-down dress shirts and khaki pants).


22. Mel Stottlemyre and the Credit Card Incident

Following an informal competition for the lower ERA during the ’73 season, Stan Bahnsen and Fritz Peterson were obligated to buy a fancy dinner for fellow pitchers Mel Stottlemyre and Mike Kekich and, when the four went out to a fancy Polynesian restaurant, they ordered virtually everything on the menu and more than a few expensive drinks to boot. Bahnsen and Peterson were suspiciously gracious about picking up the huge tab at the end of the night, and a few weeks later, Stottlemyre found out why: it turns out that, at some point, they’d lifted the credit card from his wallet, then secretly charged the whole feast to his account.


21. Derek Bell and the Car Giveaway Incident

Fan giveaways tend to engender plenty of goodwill, but rarely do they provide for a memorable stunt. That is, until the Blue Jays decided to give out a free car in the early 1990’s.

As a capacity SkyDome crowd and Jay players watched the club announce the big promotion’s winner, a beaming Joe Carter drove a luxury vehicle in from the outfield area. The only twist was in the fact that Carter had lifted it from the player’s parking lot; it was actually Derek Bell’s property, and they said the look on Bell’s face was absolutely priceless.



Appendix: The Manny Moments

Manny Ramirez has been known to feign an inability to understand English, blow off interviews and appearances, and make the occasional, half-hearted trade request, but what sets him out as a true eccentric are the ways he’s found himself in one-of-a-kind, way-out-there situations that can only be described as ‘Manny Being Manny’ moments:


May 1991:
Manny is named New York City Public High School Player of the Year after batting .650 and belting 14 homers in 21 games. It turns out that Ramirez was too shy and soft-spoken to ever tell his family members about his on-field exploits; they hear about the ultra-prestigious award through the newspapers. Shortly afterwards, they hear about his first-round draft status by tuning into the six o’clock news.

July 1991:
While in his first year in the Minors, while away from home for the first time, Manny borrows a phone card and runs up a $800 phone tab in less than a month. Even after signing his 2001 mega-contract, he refuses to talk over the phone for more than a minute or two at a time.

February 1992:
After receiving his G.E.D. degree for high school, Manny insists on posing for his first Minor League baseball card in front of Duke University’s academic chapel.

1993:
Manny and teammate Julian Tavarez ask a Cleveland sportswriter to loan them $60,000 so they can buy Harley-Davidson motorcycles. The scribe, Sheldon Ocker, plays along, checking his pockets and informing the duo that he was a little short. Manny then asks for $50,000.

September 1993:
In his second career game in the Majors, Manny strokes a ground-rule double against the Yankees but keeps on running until he reaches third base. He explains that he saw the ball bounding over the outfield fence and assumed he’d hit a homer; later in the same game, he does hit two (real) homers.

1997:
You-Know-Who is reportedly pulled over for driving with illegally tinted windows and too-loud music. Moments after the traffic officer issues him a ticket, Manny waves goodbye, then leaves the scene by making an illegal U-turn; he gets another ticket.

July 2001:
After being voted to the All Star Game for the fourth year in a row, Manny skips the mandatory press conference. When asked to explain himself, he claims that his grandmother is sick and, at another point, says that she’s dead. (When his beloved grandmother, who was peachy-healthy, hears of this incident, she asks him to stop using that excuse).

May 2002:
While on a Minor League physical rehab assignment in Pawtucket, Manny loses an earring during a third-base slide. The diamond, worth an estimated $15,000, is never found. When asked why he was wearing it in the first place, he shrugs.

May 2003:
Manny names his second son ‘Manny Junior’. His first son, by a different mother, is named . . . ‘Manny Junior’.

May 2004:
Manny officially becomes a U.S. citizen. He’s quoted as saying “I’m very proud. Not they can’t kick me out of the country.”

June 2004:
Man-Ram flubs a fly ball to the outfield for one of his seven errors on the year. “There goes my Gold Glove,” he shrugs.

July 2004:
From his spot in left-center field, Manny makes a diving play to cut off a relay throw from center fielder Johnny Damon. What makes the play so unexpected is the fact that Manny is standing about 20 feet away from Damon at the time.

2006:
Teammates report Manny routinely stuffs paychecks in the top shelf of his locker, as he rarely gets around to cashing them. The checks are worth $978,000. Each.

October 2007:
With Boston behind 3-1 in the ALCS, Ramirez is quoted saying “if it doesn’t happen, who cares? There’s always next year. It’s not like the end of the world.” The self-appointed guardians of all that is good and righteous about the National Pastime are all up in arms, of course, at least until the Red Sox proceed to win the next three straight games behind Manny’s.409 batting average.

February 2008:
The champion Red Sox visit the White House for a ceremony offering Presidential congratulations. Their World Series MVP is nowhere to be seen.

March 2008:
Manny appears on an online eBay ad peddling the sale of his slightly-used, deluxe JENN-Air barbeque grill. He bought the grill for $4,000, which was approximately 0.02% of his $18.9+ million annual salary.

May 2008:
During a game against Baltimore, Manny catches a ball in deep left-center, runs up the wall, pauses to give a quick high-five a Sox fan in the outfield bleachers, then turns around to fire the ball back into the infield. His throw doubles off the startled runner at first base; at the end of the inning Ramirez grins as he reenacts the antic to guffawing teammates in the dugout.

July 2008:
Despite leading the team in games played and slugging, media critics once again attack Manny’s durability and character, calling for him to be shipped to another team. Ramirez chuckles and suggests a trade to the Green Bay Packers. He gets a ticket to the Los Angeles Dodgers instead.

‘ The Funniest Baseball Book Ever:

Posted 10/18/2009 @ 12:13 AM | ‘The Director’s Cut’